While working with a colleague I’ll call “John,” I had a great opportunity to clarify and articulate my understanding of some basic principles of happiness. I learned many lessons.
John and I worked together in a funeral home which had seen significant changes in its structure and operations since the time I began work there.
These changes deeply disturbed John, who had worked in the same place for the previous 40 years or so, and had become accustomed to a very particular way of doing things. His regimented expectations were formed over years of consistent patterns, and the changes really rocked him.
In his anxiety, John unfortunately lashed out at his waning sense of control by poisoning the air for others in his environment.
One episode I’ll long remember was a day of unusual busyness, where we faced an extreme workload, and elevated tension.
Around midday, I decided I had a few extra minutes, which I could use to go and retrieve a quick lunch for the both of us. I asked John if he wanted me to bring him a sandwich or some other food to allow us to continue working efficiently.
John said, “No, I’m fine. I don’t need anything. You go ahead and get lunch for yourself.”
I asked again to make sure he was sure.
“Yes, I’m sure. Really, I’m okay.”
I went and got me some lunch. I came back within the few free minutes and ate my sandwich as I continued working on the tasks of the afternoon.
We made it through the day alright, despite the weight of the load we carried over those many hours.
The big lesson came several days later, at a time of busyness approaching that of the day of the sandwich.
The owner of the funeral home was there assisting us this day.
In a tantrum of frustration, John told the owner about the crushing chaos that had become the established way of doing things in the new company structure.
Then he said something that burned into me the lesson to be learned.
John complained to the owner that during that prior busy day, he didn’t even get lunch!
-----
This experience helped me clearly put into words an important precept, pertaining to agency and accountability:
That of waiving one’s right to complain.
John had the opportunity to get lunch, which he turned down. He then blamed external circumstances for depriving him of the opportunity to get lunch. He portrayed the situation as being beyond his control, where he was acted upon by others and had no choice in the matter of eating lunch.
Friends, we do not waive away our responsibility for our own happiness by shifting to others the blame for our actions.
In fact, we waive away any right we may have to complain, when we take responsibility, either by our actions or our intentional inactions. We cannot blame others for the discomfort we feel due to those actions or inactions.
-----
You are responsible for your happiness.
No person outside of yourself is ultimately responsible for your choice to be happy.
Happiness is a choice we make, not the result of our circumstances. To create happiness, we act. To be truly happy, we cannot be acted upon. We cannot be made to be happy against our will. Not even God can force us to be happy.
Besides you, there is no one, not one single person in Heaven, Earth or Hell, that can be blamed if you have chosen to be unhappy.
Our circumstances can be unjust, even infuriating in their unfairness.
We can indeed be acted upon by others who make our lives more complicated and challenging. The way we respond to these challenges makes the difference in our happiness. Whether or not those challenges exist is less important than how we decide to react.
Every life presents sufficient opportunity to choose happiness, which is best not to compare to the outward appearances of others.
We can always find what we seek. If we want reasons to be miserable, there are plenty of things we can find. If we want to be happy, we can easily find reasons as well.
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
Matthew 7: 7-8, emphasis added
Making decisions puts our personal agency into force. We must accept the responsibility for what we choose.
Moral agency—it's yours, and no one else's.
Own it.
See also:
The Three Rs of Choice, by Thomas S. Monson
Infuriating Unfairness, by Dale G. Renlund
Grateful in Any Circumstances, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf
“Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father” by Neal A. Maxwell
Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl